6th Grade Transition: Part 3 in a Series: The Problem with Long Term Thinking
One caveat before I move on: As I continue to post, it will be easy to begin to think that 6th grade is the worst thing that could ever happen to a human. I am covering many possibilities in a short period of time. The vast majority of 6th graders do just fine with only a few bumps, and many end up loving it. Knowledge is power, though, so the more you are aware of what could happen, the better prepared you will be to respond if something does.
If you gave a 6th grader $100 with the choice of going on a shopping spree this weekend, or investing it for the next 10 years in order to double the money, what do you think she would choose? The vast majority are going shopping. 6th graders are not mature enough for big picture and long term thinking, and they won’t be for a while. This is simply a function of their age and the limitations of their world view. Of course, there might be exceptions, but I've been doing this a lot of years, and generally we can count on 6th graders to act like 6th graders. In this case the power of nature is undeniable.
Why is this relevant? For one thing, parents typically use long term discipline when it is necessary to correct their child's behavior. For instance, “You are grounded for the next nine weeks” or “You have lost your video game privileges until your grades are up.” Most kids are not capable of keeping their eye on the long term prize. They might show some improvement in the short term, but when everything is taken away, or the deadline is far off in the distance, kids also begin to lose hope. When this happens, the consequences lose their effectiveness.
When a frustrated parent tells me they don’t know what else to do because they have taken everything away, they are surprised when I tell them to give it back. Then use those things as nightly or weekly incentives.
Try this instead: “Show me your planner and completed homework, and you may play video games tonight” or “bring home good reports from teachers this week, and you may go the mall with your friends on Saturday.” You will get far more mileage out of short term incentives than long term punishment. It keeps hope alive on a daily basis. Plus, your kid still gets to be a kid.
The long term thinking problem impacts kids in many other ways as well. It's not just about dealing with consequences. It also plays a powerful role in their decision-making. I will cover the social arena of middle school more thoroughly in future posts, but young people under social pressure have a hard time seeing the long term ramifications of their decisions ("If I send this text, then ...," "If I hit that kid, then ...,"). We know it's especially hard for young people because we also know there are so many adults who have yet to master it.
Your child will likely make some rash decisions, and he is most likely to learn something from it if he is allowed to suffer the consequences or figure out his own solutions for how to correct a problem of his own making. The snowplow approach to parenting (get out in front of your child and remove all the obstacles) is not conducive to either helping a child to mature in his decision-making or to preparing him to successfully function (e.g., be resilient) in the real world. You need to be there as a guide and advisor, and when necessary a protector, but you also need to do something that is so hard for any parent: let your child encounter and work through setbacks (this is not to be confused with letting them fly free). This will help your child learn to be a self advocate, to develop resiliency, to develop decision-making skills, and to solve problems on their own. It's a tricky line to walk with young people who are just beginning the long journey of developing into adults.